Mark Twain once said “Those who are inclined to worry have the widest selection in history”. Anyone freaked out by a McCain/Palin administration might find this particularly relevant lately…

And it is often said that most great art is born out of tragedy, angst, suffering, and despair. Whether or not it’s “great art” I don’t know, but I like what Zina Saunders is doing with our current smorgasbord of political absurdity and the daily assault on common sense…

Playing House

Palin on Paleontology

It’s Alive! It’s Alive!

Palin Cookin’ The Books

It was not bad because it tasted bad. It tasted quite good actually, despite being hotter than the sun. I literally drank three cups of water while eating it to keep the heat at bay. I went to the deli and picked out all the ingredients: “cajun chicken”, lettuce, tomato, onion, mayo, pickles on a roll; this here was custom made. As I sat at my desk like John Candy, all slothy with red sauce on the side of my face, my coworkers eyed the heap of garbage I was eating wondering what I was doing to my insides. I basically couldn’t claim that “that’s how it comes” ’cause I CHOSE this for myself, every little sloppy ingredient. By the end the bun and chicken had fused, red “cajun” coated pickles and onions sat in a mucky heap; it looked like a crime scene. And now my stomach feels like a crime scene. And I have a six hour drive to get started. Wish me luck!

So as most of you probably read in Us Weekly, your Uncle Jemimah here went and got himself hitched last April. That’s right–married. Wedded. Tied in a ding dang nuptial knot. Yes, my friends, you now have yourselves an Aunt Jemimah, and she’s syrupy sweet. You’re welcome. It’s my pleasure…

This is one of my many excuses for being so derelict with your devoted readership. I’ve been lazing about in my “honeymoon phase”, basking in my beloved, drunk on the liquor of her love. And now that I’ve crawled out from my carnal cave of commitment I thought I’d share a piece of the wedding with you all (those of you whose invitations were lost in the mail, of course, ahem)…

It’s my belief that if you pick the right person to say “I do” to, you’ll only get married once in your lifetime. This is why picking the perfect band for the occasion is tantamount to every other piece of matrimonial planning. They will forever be the soundtrack to your love; the score to your amore. Fortunately, some paparazzi captured our very own wedding band on video, and that magical musical moment is now preserved for posterity, forever, for you…

You might wanna put some cotton in your heart’s ears, because the decibel level of our love has been known to deafen a dolphin or two. So, without further ado, from the ceremonial stage of our precious day, to the Hoogie Boogie Land of our love, I give you the sweet serenade of one sacred Saturday past…

My nephew, Alex, turns five tomorrow. He’s having a birthday party in Las Vegas at some place called The Bouncy House. Apparently, every room is “bouncy”, and they have themes like “basketball” and “obstacle course” and the like. Except for the last room, which serves sweaty, bounced-out adolescents pizza and cake, on solid ground, probably to avoid lawsuits. Sounds pretty awesome to me, I must say, and I’m thirty-two…

Anyway, so yesterday I went to a rather forlorn Toys’R’Us in Jersey City to procure a rad birthday present for the little dude. They actually had some pretty dope shit in that ratty place. All of which served to remind me of my own fortunately deprived upbringing in the sense that I had about 10 toys total, mostly of the matchbox or GI Joe variety, and was relegated to either get creative with my time or go the fuck outside if I wanted to get my play on. I certainly had no access to a Toys’R’Us, that’s for damn sure. Luckily, Alex has the benefit of having many toys to play with, and also the wisdom to cast them aside and romp around for awhile. Unfortunately, he doesn’t live in a world in which he can just “go outside and play and be home by dinner time”, like I once did. Times change…

Hopefully I won’t contribute to discouraging any further freneticism on his part thanks to the gift I got him. Last year I got him a Leapfrog Leapster, which is like a gameboy laptop for kids that tricks them in to learning by exploiting their fanaticism for Dora and Elmo and Spiderman and such. A strange gift, admittedly, from someone who has ranted the Unabomber fantastic at times, railing against America’s techno-dependence. But hey, that’s what he wanted, dammit. So to further my hypocrisy, this year I got him a new game, called Creature Create, which looks pretty freakin’ cool, people. The objective is to customize your own monsters, utilizing the millions of designs and anatomical monster parts at your disposal. They claim it “Teaches creativity, vocabulary, problem solving, and cause and effect!”, which is all fine and good as nerdy unintended consequences go. I just think it’s kinda badass to be able to play Monster God with your exploding five year old (or thirty-two year old) mind, and become a kinda digital Dr. Frankenstein in the process… (more…)

I just want to assure everyone that despite the recent upheaval in world financial markets the BAT will not be adversely affected. If anything it will get better. Should we (God forbid) lose our jobs, we’ll have more time to entertain, anger, and inspire our audience on a more timely basis. Thanks.

It is happening again. Four years ago, right after the last election, I wrote this on the BAT’s predecessor:

“But people don’t even think about the simplest holes in Bush’s plans. They want simple answers to complicated problems. Because they’re stupid. That’s right, people are stupid. Obviously. I mean, c’mon, let’s just admit it. People aren’t beautiful unique flowers. We’re idiots, all of us, sheep that will believe the ridiculous spin that Karl Rove can construct. We’re stupid, and we get what we deserve.”

And it is happening again.

First, I tried not to care. Then I started to really believe something good was going to happen, that the right, obvious choice, was going to be made.

And then it all went sideways. The Republicans chose a vice-presidential candidate who served only to highlight the hypocrisy of their current campaign.

And it worked? It worked, because people were basically looking for a reason to make the wrong choice. An excuse to serve their basest interests. An excuse to give in to fear, to turn away from actually having to make a leap forward.

Obama wanted to teach preschoolers sex ed? Doesn’t matter if it’s false, people WANT to believe it.

Palin is a flip-flopper? Doesn’t matter (this time) because they WANT her to be the one.

Truth is no longer important. Rattle that one around in your brain-pan for a second. Truth is meaningless. People hear a candidate say something, it is no longer important whether or not they are lying.

All that matters is that it reinforces their beliefs.

“ Doublethink lies at the very heart of Ingsoc, since the essential act of the Party is to use conscious deception while retaining the firmness of purpose that goes with complete honesty. To tell deliberate lies while genuinely believing in them, to forget any fact that has become inconvenient, and then, when it becomes necessary again, to draw it back from oblivion for just so long as it is needed, to deny the existence of objective reality and all the while to take account of the reality which one denies; all this is indispensably necessary.”
- George Orwell, 1984

That this quote, from this book, is now a reality? That’s the most frightening thing I can think of.

I promise not to write exclusively about the presidential race. Hopefully some day in the future when the dust settles I’ll be able to drop a pleasant Haiku on you. Maybe something about flowers or exotic birds. Foreal. But aside from yelling at my TV, I can only yell at you guys, so just bear with me, we’re almost there!

The Palin interview with Charlie Gibson last night made me realize a few things. This women truly has no idea what she’s talking about. Really. It’s not even that I just disagree with her, it’s that she doesn’t really seem to understand any of the issues. I get the feeling her entire idea of the rest of the world looks something like this:

I sunk low watching this interview. But then I was uplifted. Anyone with a brain cell in their head could see that McCain made a really poor pick. As soon as she starts debating, interviewing and actually interacting with the people she hopes to lead as Veep, that MILF/hunter/crusader charm is going to wear off, real quick-like.

Interview below the jump
(more…)

Today on my walk to work I passed by a firehouse on my block. It’s tiny, two garage doors and a flag basically. I normally don’t see the guys who work there, sometimes I see them when the fire alarm at the senior center across the street goes off inexplicably, once every two weeks. Today though, there was one of the guys from the firehouse standing out front. He was by himself, probably in his mid-forties, a big fella with a mustache and Popeye arms. He was smoking a cigarette, leaning against the wall. Just above him hung a picture of another firefighter, fresh faced, who had presumably died today 7 years ago. It bummed me out.

I saw this article about a drug I had never heard of that is apparently ripping it’s way through the young minds of college kids everywhere. Apparently it’s more powerful than acid and only lasts 5 minutes. And the number of YouTube videos made about it are rivaling Soldier Boy dance remixes. Salvia? A.K.A. “Sally D,” A.K.A. “Magic Mint”? I instantly felt a hundred years old, what the shit was this drug? If I actually asked a college student if he knew what Sally D was would I be laughed at? I asked a co-worker, a year out of college if she’d heard of it. Nope, never heard of it. Phew… now where do I order this stuff?

We’re coming down the home stretch of this here election business and to be honest I’m a bit nervous. I donated today to the Obama campaign, the first time I’ve ever contributed to a campaign. I realize that anyone who inherits the mess of the last 8 years is going to have a rough time getting things up to speed, Republican or Democrat. I also realize that some people care more about their taxes than they do about sending our kids to war or that to many “drill baby drill” is a completely logical way to solve our energy crisis. But we really can’t have another 4 years of this garbage. Pony up suckas, donate, volunteer, do what you gotta do. This is major. Thanks.

Photo: Associated Press

“John McCain chose a woman who is almost completely unprepared for the job and who disagrees with me on every core value I believe in, but I will be voting McCain in November because he understands. Woman don’t vote with the big head. They vote with the little hood. Am I right ladies? You’re with me!”

This, from Senior Female and Women’s Issues Correspondent Samantha Bee, who appeared recently on Jon Stewart’s show to explain exactly why she’s decided to switch her vote from Obama/Nobody to McCain/Palin. Thanks to Bee’s eloquence, I’ve been sucked back into this year’s Presidential elections.

Until now, I have not paying close attention to The Race. Why not, you ask? Simple answer: First of all, I can’t get excited about a couple of guys whose declared positions are light years to the right of my highly progressive value system. Understand that I have a very big head (aka a fivehead), one that allows me to more room to generate liberal thought than these more normally endowed candidates. Secondly, what’s to follow? It’s a done deal: Obama will paste McCain by five points (that’s as big a margin possible, given that members of both parties will knee-jerk vote for a moldering moose corpse if given the choice), unless of course the Dems implode, which they often do, due to the fact that they left their liberal values behind three decades ago.

Which brings us, of course, to Sarah Palin aka The Gover-Mater (I’m taking full credit for this awesome nickname based on her fondness for uninhibited baby making). Here’s what I know of her: She won a beauty pageant. She was nicknamed “Sarah Barracuda” on her basketball team and led team prayer. She digs shooting wolves from helicopters. As mayor of Podunk, she considered banning ‘certain’ books. She wants the polar bear removed from the Endangered Species list.

What’s not to like? As Correspondent Bee added, she also has a “fun pouch”. Total bonus points. Almost makes up for her animal blood lust and professed indifference to the fate of the beluga whale. Clearly, she’s never heard Raffi belt out “Baby Beluga”. Makes me wonder if she’s really had kids, or she’s just renting the whole “Family Values Package” from some Colorado-based outfit. Think she got a refund when the teen daughter they delivered turned out to have allowed a spelunker access to her hallowed cave?

Mr. McCain, you made a curious pick with this Palin person. Yes, she’s a woman, all right. And what a woman.

I really did try to listen to the Republican National Convention last night. I thought it only fair to lend my ears to the guys on the other side of my political leanings. I literally had to rewind Bush’s speech three times because I kept losing focus and finding other stuff to do; I’ve trained my ears to shut off when his mouth opens. In the end I listened to him and heard him. He said the same old stuff, “stay on the attack, learn from September 11th, and look out for the falling sky.” It was intensely boring and I found myself wondering truly if anyone really wanted to vote Republican this year. Sure people want less taxes, or they want to make abortion illegal, or they want to ship gay people to Guantanimo but honestly is there really anyone psyched to vote for these guys?

It’s all a big trick. Pregnant daughter, oh no!! Let’s all focus on that, showing how easily we’re led away from actual issues.

Does it matter that Palin’s daughter is pregnant? No, no it doesn’t. Not to the Republicans, anyway, and that’s who counts. They’re not working themselves up into a lather because of this.

It’s only the Democrats, and they wouldn’t have liked her anyway. Berating her for this, for having a daughter who got pregnant, is a dead end. Even Barack Obama says so.

He has to, because his mother was ALSO seventeen when she had him.

So basically, everyone who mentions this as a way of attacking Palin is basically attacking Barack Obama’s mom.

Aren’t there better things to focus on? Like, oh, I don’t know, issues? Anti-abortion (under any circumstances), anti-gay marriage, rabidly pro-NRA, pro-drilling in Alaska, anti-bear, anti-sex education, lack of national governmental experience, provincial politics, any of those are swell areas of attack.

And here’s one I don’t have an answer to: why is it that despite all of those excellent opportunities, it’s the “pregnant daughter” issue that has folks so riled up? Is it because Palin promotes abstinence, and her daughter obviously didn’t take that one to heart? Does Palin’s daughter having ended up in this situation really matter in regards to Palin herself? Would it have mattered if Palin was a man? I dunno. But though it may be a bit of Irony, I really don’t think this is the silver bullet Democrats are looking for, and it shows a surprising amount of desperation that people are so quick to jump on it.

My father does not trust white people. It did not surprise him when it was revealed the CIA had a hand in getting crack cocaine into the ghettos. He’s of the opinion that rich white people run the world, and are actively keeping every one else down.

So I normally don’t talk politics with him.

But I had to ask what he thought about Barack Obama. Our stomachs were full of chicken & waffles, and I was a bit food tipsy.

So I asked. “I know you’re not big into politics, but what do you think this time?”
“He’s a dead man.”
“They’re gonna kill him.”
“Oh yeah. Unless….” And here the wheels began to turn, pieces fell into place, and my father saw a bigger picture. “Unless….they’ve got a plan for him. Yeah. They got a plan for him, They want him in the white house for something. He’ll win, because They want him to win.”

Oh sure, it’s madness. Why would anyone want a black president? Sure, he’d be picking up after, arguably, the most disastrous administration, and he’d be saddled with at least half a dozen giant problems with no easy answers, if any at all. An enormous deficit, an economic downturn. Oil crisis.

Just like Jimmy Carter. And how long did he last?

Dad’s crazy. But that doesn’t mean he’s wrong.